2016-01-07

Relieve the Pain

She can talk in short two or three word phrases, but can't make a standard sentence. 

Sometimes there is a mismatch between question given and the answer received. It's really confusing because I don't know if she understood me but didn't know how to reply. Or, she misunderstood me and replied to the wrong question.

I found a nice apartment that was quite cheap with a completely barrier free interior. The toilet, the entranceway, and the bathroom have been totally remodeled to accommodate a person needing nursing care or hospice care.

With all the fees and the moving company fees it looks like it will cost about ¥500,000 to move into that apartment. I think I have about ¥17,000 in cash and nothing in savings.

I was hoping that her father would come through and help out but he is in a kind of shock that his daughter is so severely disabled. I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation.

The apartment would have been great. It would be a great place for her to continue her rehabilitation, has an extra room for my father-in-law, and a big enough room for her and a hospital bed.

Probably the worst experience for me is to see her suffering and not be able to do anything to help or to relieve her pain.

This past week has brought a thought to the forefront in my mind, "What is the purpose of living?"

We live, we suffer; we work, we suffer; and we age, and die. 

Razu


My ex adopted three dogs while living in an apartment that doesn't allow pets. To make matters worse, he was on welfare. Welfare recipients are not allowed to keep pets. 
Dale the Border Collie

The first dog he brought to my home and I helped raise her. The second and third dog he left on my doorstep just before he escaped from the police.

Mary the Miniature Pinscher

Razu the Border Collie
 
On January 4th, 2016, Razu fell seriously ill and passed away at the home of his forever family after I rescued him. 

Needless to say, I was very shocked. He was only a year and a half. As with most border collies, he rambunctious during playtime, but was very, very gentle and loved people. 

Goodbye little fella! Please know that you are deeply loved and will be sorely missed. If there is a heaven, and I'm able to go there, I hope to see you and my furry family members at that time.

Love and miss you, Razu!








2016-01-05

Stricken


She lost, they won. 
Like a crescent moon, bleached by the morning sun,
Look once, look twice, and now she's gone.

One step, too steep, she falters and falls. 
Her mind erased, reformatted, and garbled.

The hardy weed shredded with a jack hammer. 

Treading

One language, two tongues.
Message is received, misunderstood, then lost.

Like reflections of piercing light bouncing off a glass shard trembling in the wind on a thread.
Focus is blurred. Eyes are blinded. Questions remain unanswered. 

Gray darkness envelopes your soul.
You struggle towards the light. The quicksand draws, clings, and greedily inhales.

Where are you? 
Who are you? 
What have done?

2016-01-04

Counterintuitive

Maybe he's waiting. But I'm not there.
Maybe he's listening. But I don't talk. 
Maybe he's coming. But I run away.
Maybe he's trying. But I give up. 
Maybe he quitting. But I keep hoping. 

Erosion

Too late now.
Most likely lost my chance.
Chained to a wall, with no help in sight.
Meds muffle the voices in my head, while eroding any passion I have left.

Beyond the Darkness


時間がかかる。
時間が無い。
お金がかかる。
お金も無い。
愛情を送る。
受けてくれない。
夢があった。
間に合わない。

2016-01-02

Mostly Silence

What does it mean?

Make a call and hardly an answer.

Too busy? On the train? Disinterested?

 Send numerous text messages and receive one-line response. 

Too busy? On the train? Disinterested?

Worst fear is simple disinterest. And I can't say I don't blame anyone.

I created the worst case scenario and have willfully been ignorant of the most likely outcome. 

Kimono

Well, I spent New Year's Eve in the hospital. New Year's day was spent running around visiting the hospital and buying supplies.

Finally, I finished up around 3:30 PM and headed back home. Took a quick nap and later fed the dogs and took Dale for a long evening walk.

I wanted to buy some apples not only for myself, but also for Dale and Mary. Unfortunately, I failed to realize that it was January 1. The supermarket was closed and the local drugstore was closed as well. 

I ended up paying about ¥2000 on junk food at a convenience store instead. I have a bad habit of binge shopping when I am a little hungry. I regret spending so much on crap.

To make matters worse, I ordered a cell phone cover. The one I have now is fine, but I risk scratching the back since it is only a bumper. Again, I wasted about ¥5000 of which I don't really have and can barely afford.

In terms of usability and product preservation, the Apple leather case is still my favorite choice. 

I just hope to God that the leather came from domesticated animals that were killed for their food I nstead of dogs, which is a more common practice in China.

For the past three days, I have been wishing and hoping that I had the financial resources and freedom of time to spend New Year's eve and New Year's day with him.

Considering what has recently happened, I will be busy taking care of and invalid and will have no time to spend with him.

I wouldn't be surprised if he wrote me off, and moved on to someone better. It would break my heart, and that I would be able to understand fully.

I was really looking forward to spending time with him and taking pictures of him in his Japanese traditional kimono!

Karma is a bitch!


Frost Woodwork

Winters are quite mild these days. Just a little bit of frost on the fields nearby.

Yesterday was incredibly warm and comfortable. 

On the Way back from making a visit to the hospital, I came across this classically Showa era built wooden house.

Considering the age of the building, the condition peers to be relativy a quite good. 

I would like to Imagine that the woodwork on the interior is quite beautiful and hopefully preserved in its original manner.