Maybe he's waiting. But I'm not there.
Maybe he's listening. But I don't talk.
Maybe he's coming. But I run away.
Maybe he's trying. But I give up.
Maybe he quitting. But I keep hoping.
2016-01-04
Erosion
Too late now.
Most likely lost my chance.
Chained to a wall, with no help in sight.
Meds muffle the voices in my head, while eroding any passion I have left.
2016-01-02
Mostly Silence
What does it mean?
Make a call and hardly an answer.
Too busy? On the train? Disinterested?
Send numerous text messages and receive one-line response.
Too busy? On the train? Disinterested?
Worst fear is simple disinterest. And I can't say I don't blame anyone.
I created the worst case scenario and have willfully been ignorant of the most likely outcome.
Kimono
Well, I spent New Year's Eve in the hospital. New Year's day was spent running around visiting the hospital and buying supplies.
Finally, I finished up around 3:30 PM and headed back home. Took a quick nap and later fed the dogs and took Dale for a long evening walk.
I wanted to buy some apples not only for myself, but also for Dale and Mary. Unfortunately, I failed to realize that it was January 1. The supermarket was closed and the local drugstore was closed as well.
I ended up paying about ¥2000 on junk food at a convenience store instead. I have a bad habit of binge shopping when I am a little hungry. I regret spending so much on crap.
To make matters worse, I ordered a cell phone cover. The one I have now is fine, but I risk scratching the back since it is only a bumper. Again, I wasted about ¥5000 of which I don't really have and can barely afford.
In terms of usability and product preservation, the Apple leather case is still my favorite choice.
I just hope to God that the leather came from domesticated animals that were killed for their food I nstead of dogs, which is a more common practice in China.
For the past three days, I have been wishing and hoping that I had the financial resources and freedom of time to spend New Year's eve and New Year's day with him.
Considering what has recently happened, I will be busy taking care of and invalid and will have no time to spend with him.
I wouldn't be surprised if he wrote me off, and moved on to someone better. It would break my heart, and that I would be able to understand fully.
I was really looking forward to spending time with him and taking pictures of him in his Japanese traditional kimono!
Karma is a bitch!
Frost Woodwork
Winters are quite mild these days. Just a little bit of frost on the fields nearby.
Yesterday was incredibly warm and comfortable.
On the Way back from making a visit to the hospital, I came across this classically Showa era built wooden house.
Considering the age of the building, the condition peers to be relativy a quite good.
I would like to Imagine that the woodwork on the interior is quite beautiful and hopefully preserved in its original manner.
2015-12-31
Stroke
December 30th was a good day. But the last good day.
It was the beginning of a descent into incoherency. I saw the signs and willfully ignored them.
Wrought with guilt, I feel numb with regret. I betrayed the confidence and responsibility entrusted to me.
It's too late now. At 6:43 p.m. on New Year's Eve, I called the ambulance but the damage was done.
Life has changed course in only a day. Any hopes or aspirations I ever had are gone. Conditions can only get worse from herein.
I know that self pity does no one any good. But it's hard to shake it off. I truly wonder if I should haven't been born.
Everyone I know has suffered from associating with me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)