Relieve the Pain

She can talk in short two or three word phrases, but can't make a standard sentence. 

Sometimes there is a mismatch between question given and the answer received. It's really confusing because I don't know if she understood me but didn't know how to reply. Or, she misunderstood me and replied to the wrong question.

I found a nice apartment that was quite cheap with a completely barrier free interior. The toilet, the entranceway, and the bathroom have been totally remodeled to accommodate a person needing nursing care or hospice care.

With all the fees and the moving company fees it looks like it will cost about ¥500,000 to move into that apartment. I think I have about ¥17,000 in cash and nothing in savings.

I was hoping that her father would come through and help out but he is in a kind of shock that his daughter is so severely disabled. I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation.

The apartment would have been great. It would be a great place for her to continue her rehabilitation, has an extra room for my father-in-law, and a big enough room for her and a hospital bed.

Probably the worst experience for me is to see her suffering and not be able to do anything to help or to relieve her pain.

This past week has brought a thought to the forefront in my mind, "What is the purpose of living?"

We live, we suffer; we work, we suffer; and we age, and die. 

Razu

My ex adopted three dogs while living in an apartment that doesn't allow pets. To make matters worse, he was on welfare. Welfare recipients are not allowed to keep pets. 

Dale the Border Collie

The first dog he brought to my home and I helped raise her. The second and third dog he left on my doorstep just before he escaped from the police.

Mary the Miniature Pinscher

Razu the Border Collie

 

On January 4th, 2016, Razu fell seriously ill and passed away at the home of his forever family after I rescued him. 

Needless to say, I was very shocked. He was only a year and a half. As with most border collies, he rambunctious during playtime, but was very, very gentle and loved people. 

Goodbye little fella! Please know that you are deeply loved and will be sorely missed. If there is a heaven, and I'm able to go there, I hope to see you and my furry family members at that time.

Love and miss you, Razu!

Stricken

She lost, they won. 

Like a crescent moon, bleached by the morning sun,

Look once, look twice, and now she's gone.

One step, too steep, she falters and falls. 

Her mind erased, reformatted, and garbled.

The hardy weed shredded with a jack hammer. 

Treading

One language, two tongues.

Message is received, misunderstood, then lost.

Like reflections of piercing light bouncing off a glass shard trembling in the wind on a thread.

Focus is blurred. Eyes are blinded. Questions remain unanswered. 

Gray darkness envelopes your soul.

You struggle towards the light. The quicksand draws, clings, and greedily inhales.

Where are you? 

Who are you? 

What have done?

Counterintuitive

Maybe he's waiting. But I'm not there.

Maybe he's listening. But I don't talk. 

Maybe he's coming. But I run away.

Maybe he's trying. But I give up. 

Maybe he quitting. But I keep hoping. 

Erosion

Too late now.

Most likely lost my chance.

Chained to a wall, with no help in sight.

Meds muffle the voices in my head, while eroding any passion I have left.

Beyond the Darkness

時間がかかる。

時間が無い。

お金がかかる。

お金も無い。

愛情を送る。

受けてくれない。

夢があった。

間に合わない。