2015-12-30

Cannot Meet Him

I had the chance to meet him tomorrow, but I feel anxious, nervous, and hesitant to meet him in person.

I am afraid it will cost money I don't have. I don't know what to talk about with him these days. I'm not exactly sure if he even loves me. Maybe I'm just a good friend.

Having a wife, a father-in-law, and two dogs to take care of in one home, while I rent another apartment close to work, has created a situation where I'm not really able to move about. I lack the freedom to do as I like to work as much as I like and to save for my future as much as I'd like.

We never should have gotten married. We were too young and naïve. She wants me to continue to live a lie. She has no idea what a toll this is taking on me. And I am sure that living with me is taking a toll on her, too.

How could I possibly make the time and spend the money to be with him when there are other priorities I have to meet that run counter to the actual priorities I feel in my heart. 

It's killing me inside that I lied to him to avoid meeting him to avoid the stress of most likely not being able to meet my financial obligations to the family.